Why American Men can never pass as Italian

My wife often teases me by reminding me how American I am.  She knows that as the Italian Enthusiast, I pride myself on adopting what I perceive to be an authentic Italian persona, so she knows that such accusations irritate me.  One day I challenged her and our conversation went something like this:

MotoWife:   “Anthony, you’re so American!”

Me:      “You mean I’m so Italian?”

Wife:      “No, I mean you’re so American.”

Me:      “You must be talking about my work ethic, and how I work long hours.  Putting work aside, surely I am very Italian.”

Wife:      “No way.  I’m not talking about you’re work ethic.”

Me:      “Oh, you mean how I speak Italian with an American accent?   Naturally, my nationality is a dead giveaway when I speak Italian to other Italians.”

Wife:      “I’m not talking about your accent.  I can tell that you are American without you saying a word.”

Me:      “Bullshit.  When I walk into a restaurant in Italy, people mistake me for being Italian all the time.”

Wife:      “In your dreams.”

Me:      “You’re telling me that if I walk into a restaurant in Italy without saying a word, Italians will know that I’m American?”

Wife:      “Absolutely.”

Me:      “And how do you figure?”

Wife:      “Your body language.  Your mannerisms.  The way you walk, and physically carry yourself.”

Me:      “My body language?  I talk with my hands all the time.”

Wife:      “Yes, but it’s different. Your mannerisms are Italian-American, not Italian.”

Me:      “Okay, well if I were sitting at a table in a restaurant in Italy without saying a word, and with my hands to my side without having any reason to exhibit any type of body movement, surely then the Italian patrons would believe I am Italian through and through.”

Wife:      “Absolutely not.  You dress American.”

Me:      “Bullshit.  I always wear Italian-made clothing.”

Wife:      “Yes, but the cut is often too baggy while in Italy men dress with slimmer fits and styles.”

Me:     “Okay, putting clothes aside for the moment.   If I were sitting at a table in a restaurant in Italy without saying a word, and with my hands to my side without having any reason to exhibit any type of body movement, and without wearing clothes, surely then the Italian patrons would believe that I am truly Italian.”

Wife:      “Absolutely not.”

Me:      “How do you figure?  100% of my genes are of Italian origin.”

Wife:      “Italians aren’t circumcised.”

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Comments

  1. marco posarelli : February 5, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    “circumcised”?
    The largest majority in Italy is Roman Catholic, but there are also Italians of Jewish religion.
    The Jews have been living in Rome since the Emperor Titus, moreover the Jews were active in our Risorgimento in a percentage by far higher than their number amid the population of Italy in the XIX century, the same during the First World War. They took even part to the Resistenza. They are Italians. Our President of the Republic has just appointed Senatrice a Jewish Lady.
    So I disagree with your wife. .

    • Antonia Biggs : February 8, 2018 at 6:09 am

      Absolutely. The wife’s comment assumes that all italians are at least nominally Roman Catholic. In fact, Jews were in Rome at the time of Christ, so her last comment is not true.

  2. Love it because it’s SO TRUE!

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